This whirling inside, this longing for release: my mother
has always been the one to understand and comfort me in
          these moments.
These moments, their reticence: I used to wish my brother
would share his feelings with me, but now I realize it's not
          my place to push him.
Yes, this is not my place: between my spouse and me, there
          is so much left
unspoken, so much that needs to be addressed and worked
          through before we can truly move forward.
Where are we moving now, in the silent sleep of this train
          car? I dream of a child who
is happy, healthy, and loved by both of us, no matter where
          our journey takes us.
But this is not the dream. I want more than anything to
          tell you about this child’s
bright future and all the possibilities that await them, but
          I know I must wait until the time is right.
What do you know of what I know? All I’ve ever done is
          wait. No time is right. Your platitudes…they make
          me
frustrated and angry. I feel like you don't truly understand
          me or my struggles, and it's hard to communicate
          with you.
That’s right. You don’t understand me, yet there I am, fetal
          in your meaningless intelligence, overwrought with
sadness and confusion. I feel lost and alone, unable to
          express my emotions to you or anyone else.
There is a memory: a toddler, a mother and a father, a
          Fisher-Price corn popper banging
on the kitchen floor. The child’s laughter fills the air, and
          the parents exchange a loving glance. It’s a moment
          of pure joy and happiness, one that I will always
          cherish.
If only…but please, continue to pump your bellows into
          the embers of the world, to reignite
the spark of hope and possibility in all of us. We need your
          guidance and support, even if we don’t always show
          it or acknowledge it.
In fact, the less we show, the more air you have to fill with
          laughter, hope, fear and whatever else
makes a story come to life.
Then write your story. Leave me to the quiet of my inner
          world, and I’ll leave you to your words, uttered
          without feeling yet
full of potential for emotion and meaning.